Truth is Funny

Fear of the Shaft.

No, this blog isn’t about being afraid of a penis, although I saw this black guy on internet porn, that if I was a woman, or a homo, about to be penetrated, I would be frightened… Very frightened. Might as well have been a horse or a donkey. I digress…

No it’s about marriage.

I look at married folk. Of the ones I am aware of, it seems very lackluster compared to the gratuitous pomp of wedding celebrations. Sure, there are a FEW that seem to be an ideal team, but I don’t know much about their woes. I assume they keep their problems hidden until they are wasted with BFFs.

I worked with a 70+ year old man one time who smoked like a freight train, and he said to me “Don’t ever get married, it’s the worst thing you could do. All my wife does is nag at me.” The empty loneliness, visible even behind his cloudy cataracts, was Frightening. He looked at me so teary eyed, it’s one of those visual memories that are like photos – so clear, I can see the wrinkles on his face. Remember in Aliens when that one character was begging to be killed with teary puppy dog eyes right before the baby Alien popped out his chest? That was the look, except his pain wasn’t gonna be ending anytime soon. No wonder he smoked so much, he just wanted to die. Or maybe he just wanted matching black lungs to go with his black heart.

Watch TV. How many times do you see the stereotypical divorced man getting the shaft? Having to pay excessive alimony or child support? OK, OK, sure there are many single moms with deadbeat dads, but Im not a deadbeat, so if I were to ever knock a woman up, marry, and get a divorce (in that order) I would pay, so Im talking about stereotypes that would apply to a possible (unlikely) future self.

http://www.violentacres.com/archives/54/the-deadbeat-dad-myth

I do know a deadbeat dad though. Deadbeat in general. The guys and I at work make fun of him even though its been months after he has left our company. I joked around Christmas time to the other guys, “I hope Deadbeat had a good Christmas with his family. Wait, I forgot, his two daughters hate his ass cause he’s a fucking loser!” The other guys would chime in, “Yeah, yeah, fuck that motherfucker.” Then we would go to our makeshift Deadbeat dad made out of cardboard boxes and a styrofoam manniquine head labeled with his name and kick the shit out of it. He imposed his selfish nature on us as well. Ill blog about him later. But to verify his Deadbeatness… he was evading the police, he never visited his kids, he never paid a dime for them, and he was living with a ‘girlfriend’ being a leech not paying rent, cheating, etc etc. He had the audacity to act hurt and say “Christmas is a sensitive subject for me.” Why shithead? Cause it reminds you how low life you are?

Regardless, my true rant is about marriage…

Forget TV. How about my friends. I have several friends that married in bliss, and soon thereafter their lives took an inverse dive in relation to their material wealth. Nice new house, furniture, trips to the Home Depot in exchange for a boring, listless, and routine lifestyle. Marriage can’t be more than just a union for the sake of amassing material wealth right? Of course not, its the propagation of your species. Right… right…

Let me attack the women first. Frankly, I dont want to get married to a beautiful, slim or average woman, and a couple years later be married to a fatass. If you are a married fatass, you can be excused for being one, IF your husband is a fatass too. I know several married women whose husbands are letting themselves go too. If you guys are gonna go to shit, why not do it together?

Did you know, being in shape considerably enhances your sex life? and being a fatty does the inverse?

I know Im glazing over deeper issues here. I assume most people marry because they think they have found that right person, and it’s all they need for happiness, and when they find out its not, unhappiness manifests itself in indulging in comforts. Like eating, or coming home from a hard days work for a few beers or a joint.

Why such a shitty opinion about marriage? Because this is a blog. Which means for it to be interesting, I must have extreme opinions validated by even more extreme, isolated, and somewhat misleading examples.

But really, why am I afraid of the marriage shaft?

1. Marrying a nag. Im not a religious guy, but even in the Bible, it says its better to sit on top of a roof than in a house with a nagging wife. I had a nagging girlfriend once, and I swear, I just wanted to go get a shotgun, and NOT SHOOT her, but blow my head off in front of her, so she would know how her nagging made me felt. That would get her to shut the fuck up. FOREVER. LOL.
2. Marriage being a money scam. Mostly Alimony. Wedding… why not invest that money into a Roth IRA for a brighter future, or do you think the wedding is gonna be the brightest its gonna be?
3. Marriage being a scam. Marry a hottie, she becomes a fattie. OK, if I become a fatty too, but I hope I would find one which we both could hold each other accountable.
4. I would say the percentage of divorce is high. I would say the percentage of marriages with partners cheating on the other one is high.
5. I seem to be happier, although sometimes lonesome, when Im single than when I am in a relationship.
6. My older brother got married. Both work good paying jobs. She wants a $6000 oven. Fuck that. Money and material things? Why indenture yourself to a JOB to make money to please the wife’s material wishes? You think its gonna stop there? Once the kids are there, you are gonna be working for the rest of your life to supply the wishes of someone elses whims.
7. I’ve been cheated on.

I come from a very functional and traditional normal Christian family. My parents have never been divorced. They were young sweethearts.

Though, when I was younger, my father, a man of few words, mentioned several times in a distasteful tone how crappy it was to have children at a early age. This might help to fuel the disdain for marriage. For what is marriage, if not ultimately a union for propagation of the genes? I also attribute his words being a major deterrant for me having sex. Throughout my youth, I was gun shy to have sex because I was so frightened of pregancy, and the resulting responsibility. It would be bitterly funny, if I never produced grandchildren for my mom and dad, because dad planted such a seed to cause such disdain regarding having children.

If there are any positive things you can say to counteract my opinions. Im looking for enlightenment, not an argument. So comment…